These next ones she wrote just to vent.
VOICE
By Vanessa Marrott
Everyone's voice is heard
but why is mine so quiet?
Will I get lost in the crowd?
Become another face you'll forget?
Will I spend my life wondering
or living my dreams?
Will I be cared for
or left in the dust?
Will you notice in the crowd that I'm the only one here?
Will I be alone till death
or will someone warm my heart?
Will I or will I not be loved?
****
She sits in her room and daydreams of love
when life is just peachy.
She sits in her room with her music filling the empty space
hoping that noone hears her tears fall.
She sits in her room and thinks of him
wondering if he thinks of her too.
She questions her life and wonders was it worth it
and if her feelings are true.
She remembers the times when it all seemed too easy
and life was one big game.
For the music she blasts sends a beat to her heart
helping her to forget the pain and worries.
The star shines with a light so unreal.
Her world, turned upside down,
she seemed to gaze into a world unknown.
A feeling of numbness and love took her sould.
She was living in a reality unlike her own.
The joy and craziness made her head spin.
Her thoughts were jumbled
her heart beat with excitement.
Her hopes high
head somewhat strong.
She was confused by the feelings inside.
Would it stay true?
Or would it just fade and die?
How would she express it?
She hoped she wouldn't wake up.
****
Breathing in the winter air,
the sharp coldness steals her breath,
stabbing her lungs.
Inside, her heart slows
barely beating.
Her mind drifts to her lost love.
The pain exceeds her.
Cold inhales reminding her of what she once had.
The dream she wished she could keep,
waking to find a night mare come true.
A tear rolled down her cheek
with an empty warmth that burned her frosted skin.
She sat among the graves
burying the memories.
Allowing the emptiness to take over.
Showing no hope for spring.
*****
I wish you away from me.
Say it's not so.
I'm stuck and cant run away from this life I'm in.
How did I find someone like you?
My life is an R rated movie.
Shit happens.
Get over it.
Life isn't worth it so go shoot yourself.
Bye baby bye.
Can't do this anymore.
What kind of person would you be
it this is what you see?
Some things are better left unsaid.
Some books are better left unread.
Why do you do this to me?
Torture, confuse and mess with me.
I can't handle it no more.
I am so lost.
Baby I will soon be leaving.
I promise I will always love you the same.
I wanna hold you baby and miss you baby.
Don't give up what you're waiting for.
You kiss me and I'm miserable.
Why?
It shouldn't be like this.
Tell me.
Do we belong together?
This next one is the very first poem that she ever wrote and I made her give me a copy. She wrote it in study hall I think, her sophomore year of high school.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG?
By Vanessa Marie Becker
So there's this guy
He's kinda shy
But it someways
He is not.
He speaks his mind
and his thoughts.
He wonders
"Am I the one?"
He asks himself.
But instead of saying yes
he turns into self doubt.
So he takes his fist
and smashes a door.
But then his girl
is screaming in his mind
"Don't hurt yourself.
I love you."
He know it's true
But she's with someone else.
You see him and her together in the school
and you wonder.
You ask around.
They say "no" and so then you ask yourself
'Why?'
You go up to her and ask
"Are you and him a thing?"
She says,
"well, kinda.
He likes me and I like him
But I'm with someone else."
She soon finds out this guy she likes
is not really perfect.
He has this fear of losing her
like he lost his other.
He calls her late at night and they talk forever.
He tells her his darkest secrets.
She sits there and just listens.
"I love you," he says.
But she doesn't hear it.
She's too scared to admit she's in love with two different people.
He liked for two years.
I don't know why.
She smokes.
She drinks.
She is not very good.
She soon finds out that he is not good either.
She's changing for this guy she loves.
She's so damn confused.
She doesn't sleep, eat or drink.
All she does is wonder about what will happen later.
So then one night he calls her.
Mom answers crying.
"She is dead."
The line goes quiet.
He says softy, "How?"
"She put a bullet to her head.
She left a note behind saying
'I love you with all my heart.
I'm sorry I had a boyfriend and still loved you.
Goodbye forever.'"
He crys and hangs up the phone.
"Where did I go wrong?
I told her I loved her.
Teased her.
Held her.
What more does she want?"
I'll tell you.
She wanted you to be her one and she didn't want to break one more heart.
So she committed suicide.
So now he learns and whispers,
"I love you more."
This is her most recent one. Written April 28, 2009. From a phone call that she received from an ex. I personally think it's the best one that I've read.
UNKNOWN
By Vanessa Marrott
The light from the street shines softly upon your face.
One side is light and I can see every wrinkle and line that dances on your face.
The other side is dark and mysterious.
What are you hiding?
You came into my life.
I loved you for so long.
Then it ended abruptly.
You ran away.
Cheated.
Lied.
I trusted you.
The damage is done.
How could you do this to me?
You think you're so macho.
So special.
You're wrong.
You're nothing but a fake.
A schmuk.
You're gorgeous as hell and that's my weakness.
Your eyes the brilliant blue.
Your smile so perfectly adorable.
Your voice that is so amazingly sexy you can lure in any girl just by talking.
You know what to say to make me weak at the knees.
Your hair
How you just toss it around on that gorgeous head of yours.
Your washboard stomach that I love and just want to lick your abs
and feel them under my fingers.
Oh, I just want you to hold me and take me in your arms
the way you used to.
How I miss those lies that made me feel so special,
like we were going to be forever.
I miss those days when we would laugh and joke
even though as I think about it,
Were you even there?
Do you remember?
I know you remember the sexual,
but do you remember our talks
our discussions on random stuff?
I love your laugh.
It makes me smile.
I remember when I first me you.
I was smitten.
Lost.
Unsure.
You were gorgeous and still are.
And yet you seem to come crawling back into my lifef.
How do you find me when I'm hiding as best as I can
and as far away from you as possible.
Yet, in reality,
I'm glad you came even thought you ruined my life.
My heart.
My mind.
My sould.
My thoughts.
My very existance.
But I still love you even thought you hurt me.
Scarred me.
Ruined me.
Here you are standing close enought for me to feel your breath creep into my pores
as your poision crawls into my brain.
I feel your warmth seep into my soul.
I'm stuck.
Can't move.
You move close enough to slightly graze my cheek with your finger.
I can feel the electricity.
Feel the blood pumping through your veins.
I can't.
I won't.
I have to.
I touch your face.
It feels like silk against my skin.
Oh how I missed you.
I need you.
I want to feel every inch of you.
Inspect it like you'd inspect for lice.
Carefully.
Throughly.
Postively.
I'd search your heart.
Your mind.
Wondering if I was in your thoughts.
Your mind.
How do you do that?
I curse you.
Your very existance.
You should be dead already.
But here you are
standing in front of me.
Why do you keep coming back?
Are you for real or a hallucination?
I can see you.
Touch you.
Read you.
You're absolute.
So possessive.
So tragic.
What's happening to me?
Why do I feel this way?
I shouldn't.
You left me.
I should hate you.
Dispise you.
Loathe you.
But I don't.
I want you.
Crave you.
You're like a cigarette.
I can't get enough.
I'm addicted to everything about you.
You're like whiskey,
you burn like fire.
Yet I love the feeling.
The hairs stick up on the back of my neck
as the wind blows past us.
I smell you.
You're incredible.
Toxic.
But I want to drink it all in.
Soak it up like a sponge.
You make me weird.
Numb.
Unthinkable.
I can't breathe.
Speak.
The world stops and we stare at eachother for what seems like years.
I want to run my hands through your hair.
Pull it.
Rip it.
Tear it all out so it can be mine.
I want revenge.
Passion.
Fire.
I want to feel your blood as you bleed out in my hands.
To kiss you would be heaven.
Hell.
And what's inbetween.
I want to kiss you.
Feel you.
Rub you.
Have you inside me one last time before I kill you.
Get rid of you.
Burn you
And lose you forever.
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