11.20.09

O.M.G. I am soooo flippin' excited for New Moon!!!!

(wolf pack)

Oh and uh... did I mention that Robward will be shirtless? I didn't? Shame on me. :p

And hello Taylor! Wow. No way does he look 17!

People are always wondering why I am the way that I am. Why not? I guess you could say that I have had an 'interesting' life, if trials and dissappointment are 'interesting.' I always get really sentimental this time of year. One of the reasons why I really hate May. Yes, it's a beautiful month and the weather is starting to warm up, but there's just too many thoughts, memories, that are still very... what's the word? um... well, personal I guess, tho that doesn't really cover it. It was around this time that I have had many heartbreaks.

The first was my senior year of high school- May 2003. I had been dating a dear, sweet guy for 2 years. His name- Adam Jones. Captain Adam Jones in the United States Marine Corps. I was completely smitten. Head over heels for this guy. We were waiting for me to graduate from high school before making any immediate plans for the future. He wasn't much older than I was- about 4 years, and I knew, deep down, that he was the one that I was supposed to be with. He had been with me through thick and thin. All of the trials and turmoils that life would bring he was there. My rock.
Shortly after we had first met, maybe 3 or 4 months, he got deployed to Iraq. This was just before Christmas of 2001- just after the September 11 attacks. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. Leaving him at the airport, not knowing if I was ever going to see him again. He was a Doctor, a Medic, for the Corps, so I didn't know and I prayed that he wouldn't be right at the front lines of fire. I prayed everyday for his safety and for his health. For him to return home soon. We were still able to communicate by e-mail, but it wasn't nearly as much as I had wanted to. Just sporattic times when he would have a minute to sit down. Which I understood. As long as he was safe, that was all I cared about.
His best friend, Luke, was like a brother to me and also was in the military, the Army, got deployed soon after the new year. Now I had 2 people to worry about. To pray that nothing happened to either one.
I got an e-mail around June 2002, that Luke was in Germany. He had been shot and flown to the best German military hospital. They weren't sure if he was going to make it.
I had been so worried about Luke and Adam and now this had happened. I turned to my two best friends in the world- Johanna and Cody to help me through all of this. Johanna had known Luke a lot longer than I had so she was in a tougher situation than I was.
Then, that next month, Luke was sent home. Alive. Healthy. Jo and I were overjoyed. August 2002, right before school started, Adam came home. There are no words to express my emotions at that time. He told me stories of what was going on and what he was dealing with on a daily basis. How close bombs would come to the Medic stations, how much gunfire he had to avoid in order to find the wounded and get them to safety. But then, the unthinkable happened. He was only on leave. He had to return 6 weeks later. My heart sank once again, but I knew that everything would be fine. He would be fine. He would come home, I would graduate and we would live happily ever after in some small Iowa town.
That's where I was wrong. He was scheduled to come home in May of 2003, just in time to see me graduate. I had been counting down the days, down to the exact hour, of his return. May 20. That was the day. The day came and went and no word from Adam. I had talked to him the night before and he had told me that he was leaving and on his way home. Nothing. May 21. Nothing. May 24, the day before my high school days were officially over, I get a call. It was Adam's mom. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. I could feel it. I didn't have the courage to say anything. I just listened. She broke into tears, but not tears of joy. "Adam's gone." She had said. "His plane, shot down over Iraq shortly after take off. No survivors." I was numb. I couldn't move. Couldn't speak. It couldn't be true. This was a horrible dream. He would be there tomorrow, I just knew it. I put on my happy face and graduated with my best friend Cody right behind me. It was supposed to be a happy time. My family had flown out to see me. My mom was anxious to meet Adam. Meet the one that swept me off my feet. He wasn't there. His funeral- held a mere week later. I had asked him once jokingly, what song he wanted to be played when he died. And he said, "Something with meaning." When I asked him to specify, I laughed at his decision. He had been a Groban fan from the very beginning, a bit longer than I had known who Josh even was. I had heard his debut cd and listened to it a bit more since I knew that Adam loved it. He said, "To where you are by Josh Groban." Walking into the church, I heard that music playing. I couldn't even make it into the room. Johanna and Luke were both there, but I just couldn't. I left, went home, packed my bags and moved back out to Utah to begin a new life. Which I did. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
So Adam, this is for you. It's been almost 6 years, but he was my best friend and I still miss him dearly.






Okay, yes I know that was a bit morbid, seeing as how I'm married and all, but there is yet another reason for me to really despise May. It was around this time 3 years ago. Porter was 5 weeks old. I remember this very vividly. I had put him in his swing and had been picking up toys and listening to music on iTunes, when my cell phone rang. It was about 8:30 in the evening. I had been getting a lot of telemarketer calls and this was an unrecognized number, but I answered it anyway thinking that if I told them off, they would stop calling me. The person on the other line just happened to be my old social worker. Karen Sherrill. I hadn't heard from her in about 13 or so years and then just out of the blue she called. That right there got me worried. That's when I knew that something was wrong. She started with some small talk saying that she called Salt Lake City and got my my number from my adoptive mom, Kathleen. Then she said it. "Your mother has pneumonia and isn't expected to live through the night."

My parents- Robert and Patricia Lawrence. They weren't your typical ordinary parents. My mom was born with many diseases- epilepsy and lupus to name a couple. She was even mildly retarded, but she was still able to function in public. She could tend for herself for the most part, but she went through a lot of crap growing up. Step parents, abuse, step siblings, incest. You name it, most likely she lived it. Her siblings teased her and made fun of her, took advantage of her because she was different. She met my dad and they fell in love. Love at first sight. Yes, I know that sounds corny, but it's true. They got married and shortly after, had my older sister Marlene. She died at the age of 4 weeks old due to prematurity. My mom smoked a lot and because of her health problems, the doc told her that she needed to be more careful if she were to ever have any more kids. Then I came along. I almost didn't make it, but they were able to save me. 6 months later, I was able to come home. Sometime during the time that I was born and the 4 years later that my sister was born, my dad found out that he was dying. Leukemia and emphazema, and it was growing fast. He didn't have much time. He could have gone through the treatments and been fine, but instead, he stayed home to nurse my mom, who was very ill. So, I was the mom basically. We had no money. We lived on wellfare and in a hotel. We were lucky if we got a full 3 meals a day. With both of my parents basically dying in the same room as I was in, I had to take care of myself, Vanessa and my parents at the ripe old age of 5. But I loved it. Vanessa called me mommy. I loved being able to take care of her and keep the house clean. I was actually excited when I was able to make mac and cheese and then do the dishes afterwards.
My dad passed in Feb of 1991- age 49. Because of my mom's illnesses, we got taken away from her and we moved in with the only other normal sibling that she had. My aunt Nicole.
Long story short, when I was 8, I was adopted and I moved from Washington to Utah. I kept in touch with Patty, as I was instructed to call her. She was 'no longer my mother.' I grew up thinking that my parents hated my sister and me and that we were abused severly. We weren't allowed to have any kind of visitation, even though Kathleen could afford to fly Patty out to see us. Summer of 1995 we flew to Spokane to sign papers and finalize the adoption and that was the last time I ever saw Patty again. I wrote to her occasionally, usually at holidays, but I was basically terrified of her. Vanessa had no memory of her, so she didn't want anything to do with her. Completely understandable. The years went on and the writing became less and less. Non existant during my 2 year period in Iowa. It wasn't until I got married and we sent her a wedding invitation, that I fully realized how important it was to me that I stay in touch with her. So, it became a more diligent activity that I did. I remember that I had sent her a baby announcement after Porter was born in April and I hadn't receieved anything back. She usually wrote the second she got my letter and I got it usually the next week.
I figured it got lost in the mail. Didn't really think much of it. Until that call. Seth immediately got off of work, we went and picked up Vanessa, dropped Porter off at a relative's house and made the 1800 mile road trip to Spokane Washington, not knowing what we would expect.
My grandmother called my cell phone in Cour d'laine, Idaho about 10 or so miles outside of Spokane. We told her where we were and she said that she expected us in about 15 minutes. She told me that Patty was looking a lot better, but that she still wasn't able to talk much, but that she wanted to hear my voice. As awkward as it was, she was put on the phone and I started talking. "Mom, it's me. Janie. Ruthie is with me too. So is your son in law Seth. We're coming Mom. We're almost there. I've missed you so much and I'm sorry for not being there. I love you Mom. I'll see you soon." I hung up the phone and something felt different, but I couldn't figure out what. We soon arrived at the place where she lived- an adult group home. All of the family members came outside and then I saw my grandma. With tears in her eyes, she gave the three of us a hug and said over and over. "She's gone. She's gone. She was waiting for you. To hear you. The second you said that you loved her, she went." Just the thought that she was holding out for us. We were so close. She just wanted to hear me. She didn't have a chance to even see her youngest daughter all grown up. 16 years old. And her recent son in law. I will never forget what I saw when I walked into her room to pay my last regards. The vision will haunt my memories forever.
This wasn't my mom. This was some sick lady. Someone who had been tormented and tortured her whole life. Someone who looked deathly ill. Almost like a skeleton. This wasn't the beautiful lady that I remember. The one who would tell me jokes and let me put on her clothes and perfume. No, there had to be a mistake.
But then, I knew. I felt it. She was in a better place. She was in heaven with her husband and her daughter. She was home and she was happy. And for once in her 45 years of life, she wasn't in pain. Nobody was judging her. I felt truly at peace.
So now, every year on Christmas Eve, not only do I think about the meaning of Christmas, I take time to remember my dear sweet mother's birthday and I listen to her favorite singing artist- Mariah Carey.
Mom, I miss you and love you and I know that you are happy. I know that you truly are watching over us and can watch us grow. Watch your grandchildren grow. I really wish that I had more time to get to know you better. Mom, this is for you.

Poetry by Vanessa pt.2

These next ones she wrote just to vent.

VOICE

By Vanessa Marrott

Everyone's voice is heard

but why is mine so quiet?

Will I get lost in the crowd?

Become another face you'll forget?

Will I spend my life wondering

or living my dreams?

Will I be cared for

or left in the dust?

Will you notice in the crowd that I'm the only one here?

Will I be alone till death

or will someone warm my heart?

Will I or will I not be loved?

****

She sits in her room and daydreams of love

when life is just peachy.

She sits in her room with her music filling the empty space

hoping that noone hears her tears fall.

She sits in her room and thinks of him

wondering if he thinks of her too.

She questions her life and wonders was it worth it

and if her feelings are true.

She remembers the times when it all seemed too easy

and life was one big game.

For the music she blasts sends a beat to her heart

helping her to forget the pain and worries.

The star shines with a light so unreal.

Her world, turned upside down,

she seemed to gaze into a world unknown.

A feeling of numbness and love took her sould.

She was living in a reality unlike her own.

The joy and craziness made her head spin.

Her thoughts were jumbled

her heart beat with excitement.

Her hopes high

head somewhat strong.

She was confused by the feelings inside.

Would it stay true?

Or would it just fade and die?

How would she express it?

She hoped she wouldn't wake up.

****

Breathing in the winter air,

the sharp coldness steals her breath,

stabbing her lungs.

Inside, her heart slows

barely beating.

Her mind drifts to her lost love.

The pain exceeds her.

Cold inhales reminding her of what she once had.

The dream she wished she could keep,

waking to find a night mare come true.

A tear rolled down her cheek

with an empty warmth that burned her frosted skin.

She sat among the graves

burying the memories.

Allowing the emptiness to take over.

Showing no hope for spring.

*****

I wish you away from me.

Say it's not so.

I'm stuck and cant run away from this life I'm in.

How did I find someone like you?

My life is an R rated movie.

Shit happens.

Get over it.

Life isn't worth it so go shoot yourself.

Bye baby bye.

Can't do this anymore.

What kind of person would you be

it this is what you see?

Some things are better left unsaid.

Some books are better left unread.

Why do you do this to me?

Torture, confuse and mess with me.

I can't handle it no more.

I am so lost.

Baby I will soon be leaving.

I promise I will always love you the same.

I wanna hold you baby and miss you baby.

Don't give up what you're waiting for.

You kiss me and I'm miserable.

Why?

It shouldn't be like this.

Tell me.

Do we belong together?

This next one is the very first poem that she ever wrote and I made her give me a copy. She wrote it in study hall I think, her sophomore year of high school.

WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

By Vanessa Marie Becker

So there's this guy

He's kinda shy

But it someways

He is not.

He speaks his mind

and his thoughts.

He wonders

"Am I the one?"

He asks himself.

But instead of saying yes

he turns into self doubt.

So he takes his fist

and smashes a door.

But then his girl

is screaming in his mind

"Don't hurt yourself.

I love you."

He know it's true

But she's with someone else.

You see him and her together in the school

and you wonder.

You ask around.

They say "no" and so then you ask yourself

'Why?'

You go up to her and ask

"Are you and him a thing?"

She says,

"well, kinda.

He likes me and I like him

But I'm with someone else."

She soon finds out this guy she likes

is not really perfect.

He has this fear of losing her

like he lost his other.

He calls her late at night and they talk forever.

He tells her his darkest secrets.

She sits there and just listens.

"I love you," he says.

But she doesn't hear it.

She's too scared to admit she's in love with two different people.

He liked for two years.

I don't know why.

She smokes.

She drinks.

She is not very good.

She soon finds out that he is not good either.

She's changing for this guy she loves.

She's so damn confused.

She doesn't sleep, eat or drink.

All she does is wonder about what will happen later.

So then one night he calls her.

Mom answers crying.

"She is dead."

The line goes quiet.

He says softy, "How?"

"She put a bullet to her head.

She left a note behind saying

'I love you with all my heart.

I'm sorry I had a boyfriend and still loved you.

Goodbye forever.'"

He crys and hangs up the phone.

"Where did I go wrong?

I told her I loved her.

Teased her.

Held her.

What more does she want?"

I'll tell you.

She wanted you to be her one and she didn't want to break one more heart.

So she committed suicide.

So now he learns and whispers,

"I love you more."

This is her most recent one. Written April 28, 2009. From a phone call that she received from an ex. I personally think it's the best one that I've read.

UNKNOWN

By Vanessa Marrott

The light from the street shines softly upon your face.

One side is light and I can see every wrinkle and line that dances on your face.

The other side is dark and mysterious.

What are you hiding?

You came into my life.

I loved you for so long.

Then it ended abruptly.

You ran away.

Cheated.

Lied.

I trusted you.

The damage is done.

How could you do this to me?

You think you're so macho.

So special.

You're wrong.

You're nothing but a fake.

A schmuk.

You're gorgeous as hell and that's my weakness.

Your eyes the brilliant blue.

Your smile so perfectly adorable.

Your voice that is so amazingly sexy you can lure in any girl just by talking.

You know what to say to make me weak at the knees.

Your hair

How you just toss it around on that gorgeous head of yours.

Your washboard stomach that I love and just want to lick your abs

and feel them under my fingers.

Oh, I just want you to hold me and take me in your arms

the way you used to.

How I miss those lies that made me feel so special,

like we were going to be forever.

I miss those days when we would laugh and joke

even though as I think about it,

Were you even there?

Do you remember?

I know you remember the sexual,

but do you remember our talks

our discussions on random stuff?

I love your laugh.

It makes me smile.

I remember when I first me you.

I was smitten.

Lost.

Unsure.

You were gorgeous and still are.

And yet you seem to come crawling back into my lifef.

How do you find me when I'm hiding as best as I can

and as far away from you as possible.

Yet, in reality,

I'm glad you came even thought you ruined my life.

My heart.

My mind.

My sould.

My thoughts.

My very existance.

But I still love you even thought you hurt me.

Scarred me.

Ruined me.

Here you are standing close enought for me to feel your breath creep into my pores

as your poision crawls into my brain.

I feel your warmth seep into my soul.

I'm stuck.

Can't move.

You move close enough to slightly graze my cheek with your finger.

I can feel the electricity.

Feel the blood pumping through your veins.

I can't.

I won't.

I have to.

I touch your face.

It feels like silk against my skin.

Oh how I missed you.

I need you.

I want to feel every inch of you.

Inspect it like you'd inspect for lice.

Carefully.

Throughly.

Postively.

I'd search your heart.

Your mind.

Wondering if I was in your thoughts.

Your mind.

How do you do that?

I curse you.

Your very existance.

You should be dead already.

But here you are

standing in front of me.

Why do you keep coming back?

Are you for real or a hallucination?

I can see you.

Touch you.

Read you.

You're absolute.

So possessive.

So tragic.

What's happening to me?

Why do I feel this way?

I shouldn't.

You left me.

I should hate you.

Dispise you.

Loathe you.

But I don't.

I want you.

Crave you.

You're like a cigarette.

I can't get enough.

I'm addicted to everything about you.

You're like whiskey,

you burn like fire.

Yet I love the feeling.

The hairs stick up on the back of my neck

as the wind blows past us.

I smell you.

You're incredible.

Toxic.

But I want to drink it all in.

Soak it up like a sponge.

You make me weird.

Numb.

Unthinkable.

I can't breathe.

Speak.

The world stops and we stare at eachother for what seems like years.

I want to run my hands through your hair.

Pull it.

Rip it.

Tear it all out so it can be mine.

I want revenge.

Passion.

Fire.

I want to feel your blood as you bleed out in my hands.

To kiss you would be heaven.

Hell.

And what's inbetween.

I want to kiss you.

Feel you.

Rub you.

Have you inside me one last time before I kill you.

Get rid of you.

Burn you

And lose you forever.

Poetry by Vanessa Pt. 1

So I was over at my sister's house and we began chatting and she showed me a recent poem that she wrote from a phone call that she received. Her writing is amazing and so I thought I would share some of her poetry on here. (Yes I did get permission. :p)

This first two are about her mother in law. LOL. (If you knew her, you would understand)

BROKEN

By Vanessa Marrott

Why should I care

if noone cares about me?

Why should I speak out loud

if everyone talks behind me?

Why should I love

if everone gets mad?

Why should I try

if everyone avoids me?

Why should I be happy

when I feel so upset?

What should I be

if I can't be me?

Why should I play

if I'm broken?

Broken inside

how will you mend me?

When all my pieces

are shattered inside me?

I seem fine

but am I really?

I tell people I am good when they ask

but I wish they could just know.

I'M FALLING APART!

I need some serious mendind.

Just do me a favor

and stop talking about me.

OVER

By Vanessa Marrott

How can you forget the past

when it is staring you in the face?

How can you love

when you've only been taught to hate?

How can you win

when you always lose?

How can you be alone

when someone is bugging you?

I'm tired of trying to please everyone

I can't be two people, I can't please everyone!

Can you understand?

It's not fair that you

say I don't ry.

I can't do it anymore.

I just feel like screaming.

It's what you do that's right

and I do everything wrong.

Well guess what?

I'm done with you.

It's over.

I'm not going to mend this situation.

It's up to you

and when you are not so freaking moody.

Make up your mind once and for all!

This one is an apology to her hubby. It's quite long. And it made me cry.

Don't you wish you coud tell that one guy just how much he means to you?

Or how you feel safe when he holds you?

Or that your first thought when you say goodbye is

when you'll get to see him again?

Don't you wish he would tell you how much he loves you

in front of his friends?

Not caring about what they think

or how they would react?

Or that his smile brightens your entire day

and he knows just how to make you laugh

when you don't ever wanna smile?

Don't you wish you could know his first thought

when he sees you walk through the door?

Or his thoughts anytime?

All you really want is for him to know

is how you really feel.

Or that you love staying up

all the hours of the night

talking about everything and anything.

You just want to tell him you care for him

more than anyone else in the world.

She sits alone in the dead of night

looking up at the darkened sky.

Those shiny specks hold her attention...

distracting her from the empty feeling.

Deep in her eyes a single gleam shone out

showing some sign of hope

that it would all come to an end

and LOVE would conquer all.

It was the day should would always regret.

A time when she stood still and watched the world around her.

She held on to a love she knew she couldn't have for anyone else.

She longed to be in a different world

where nothing like pain, agony or sorrow existed.

She knew that place would never exist.

She thought it would be okay,

but wondered why?

She brought on more pain

as she saw his smile that wasn't directed at her.

She couldn't stand seeing him without her at his side.

Maybe this painful fate was meant to be.

But she would never know without trying.

She would never give up hope.

Never forgetting.

The rose he gave her has faded and wilted

but the love tucked deep inside

remainds deep in her heart forever.

Her heart beat faster,

the butterflies make her weak.

His arms around her.

Her head on his shoulder.

Time seemed to slow down and inched along its way.

She closed her eyes and slipped into another world,

her dreams and love in focus.

And true happiness under spotlight.

The moon held the beauty of the summer's eve

and the glory of absolute joy.

If I told you I loved you,

would you smile or laugh in my face?

If I gave you my heart,

will you care for it or toss it aside?

If I came to you crying

would you hold me or quickly run and hide?

If someone called me names

would you agree or beat the hell outta them?

If I sang to you off key

would you laugh or join in?

If I lay my head on your shoulder

would you push it away or play with my hair?

If I danced in the rain

would you join me or go inside?

If I made a complete fool of myself

would you proudly claim me as yours or tell people you didn't know me?

If I made a mistake

would you forgive me or hold a grudge?

If another guy tried to take me

would you put up a fight or step aside and let them?

If I looked or acted sad

would you ask what's wrong or go on with your day?

If I was in the hospital

would you be by my side or not even care?

If another girl gave her your attention

would you flirt and leave me or stay beside me forever?

If I was depressed

would you hold me throught the night saying it would be okay

or would you walk out the door and never look back?

Would be be my everything?

My life?

My love?

A soft simple whisper echoed in her heart.

The melody played as a grey clouded sky enclosed the warmth of her soul,

allowing his love to flow free.

His arms wrapped around her sending chills down her spine.

The crows flew in the air as the tune grew more light.

The drops of rain fell softly splattering the ground around them.

The smells filled her lungs,

helping her truly feel at ease.

Butterflies go to those who love with the heart

so I will send you a few to keep you company.

Just look to the shooting stars.

If I could say exactly what I wanted to your face I would say this.

I am in love with you.

You don't see my heart break

yet it still makes me love you with all the pieces of it.

You're the one I thoink of last at night

and the first in the morning.

You're my favorite hello

and my hardest goodbye.

I can't just leave behind what we have.

It's unfair to our hearts.

We both know it.

I want you to remember me

and let me be the only one.

Promise it wasn't or isn't a game

that all of your love is real.

I know you still want it

despite what your friends say about me.

I believe we are meant to be.

You're the one who took hold of my heart

and made me feel life and what it really is.

You made me who I am today.

I hope you remember me always

even if we end up going our seperate ways.

This is my proclamation to the world

that I love you.

I always have and always will.

You will always have a hold of my heart.

I hope you'll always love me if it all ends up destroyed.

Just know you'll always have mine.

Updates

Sorry it's been a while, but things have just been so crazy! Seth got moved back to graveyard shift so that is really causing a lot of changes. It's not that I mind because he was on graves for like 2 years before, but it's just hard for me. I didn't realize how much I got used to just having him there at night. I discovered how hard it was for me to sleep along. Amazing what happens when you get used to something and then it changes.

Luke, Porter, Seth and I are all doing a ton better! Actually, we are better. LOL. And in case anyone was wondering, yes Vanessa and I patched things up. I'm not one to hold grudges, so I got over it when Luke got better.

But all I can say was that 3 days that I was at the hospital with Luke were some of the hardest days that I have had. He had a really hard time breathing and wasn't eating nearly as much as usual. He usually eats 6 oz every feeding, but he was only eating 1 or 2. He was so stuffy and the respiratory therapist had to come in and put a big tube down his nose to suck out all the boogers. They did this about 3 times a day. He would scream and it was almost too much for me to watch. He was so pale, it was so sad.

Today is Seth's birthday! We didn't really do much. We went up to Seth's parents house and had dinner and cake and ice cream. My mom took me shopping for my birthday since it's tomorrow (Sunday). We went to Kohls, the new one in Orem across from University mall and right next to Gold's Gym. We found a lot of cute stuff! I haven't been shopping in forever!!

I have Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" stuck in my head and it's driving me crazy! Yes I know that was random, but you know me. That's how I roll. LOL.