Flag Day

Seeing as it is Flag Day, I thought that some history of it would be appropriate. Even tho most of you already know it. ;)

Flag Day is June 14.

History of Flag Day

Flag Day is a celebration of the adoption of the American flag by Continental Congress in the First Flag Resolution of June 14, 1777. Although the 200-year anniversary of this date was celebrated by flying flags on public buildings and holding remembrances in several cities, Flag Day wasn’t officially recognized until President Harry Truman signed it into law in 1949.

Bernard J. Cigrand, known to the general public as the "Father of Flag Day," worked as a school teacher at Stony Hill School in Waubeka, Wisconsin. He held the first unofficial observance for Flag Day at that school in 1885, and today a bust of Cigrand stands in Waubeka at the National Flag Day Americanism Center.

Cigrand delivered speeches around the country about patriotism and holding an observance for the flag on June 14. He later became the president of the American Flag Day Association and the National Flag Day Society. He continued to promote his cause with backing from those organizations. According to amateur historian James L. Brown who wrote the booklet, "The Real Bernard J. Cigrand: Father of Flag Day," Cigrand once claimed he had given 2,188 speeches on the flag and patriotism. The Chicago Tribune noted that Cigrand "almost single-handedly" established Flag Day.

Although Cigrand is perhaps the most recognized candidate, several others have also claimed to be founders of Flag Day. In 1889 the principal of a free kindergarten, George Bolch, celebrated the anniversary of the Flag resolution at his New York City school. Soon the State Board of Education of New York, the Betsy Ross House in Philadelphia and the New York Society of the Sons of the Revolution celebrated Flag Day too.

In 1893 Elizabeth Duane Gillespie, a descendant of Benjamin Franklin and the president of the Colonial Dames of Pennsylvania, attempted to have a resolution passed deeming June 14 as Flag Day. That same year the Colonial Dames of Pennsylvania were responsible for a resolution passed requiring the American flag to be displayed on all Philadelphia’s public buildings. In 1937 Pennsylvania was the first state to make Flag Day a legal holiday.

After much persistence and the support of many individuals, organizations, mayors, governors and five presidents, President Woodrow Wilson issued a proclamation requesting that June 14 become National Flag Day. In 1927 President Coolidge issued a second proclamation, and finally in 1949 Congress approved it and it became a law.

Soon after Flag Day became official, another law passed requiring the state superintendent of public schools to make sure patriotic holidays like Memorial Day, Flag Day, Lincoln’s birthday and Washington’s Birthday are observed in schools.

How to Observe Flag Day

The week of June 14 is designated as "National Flag Week." During National Flag Week, the president will issue a proclamation urging U.S. citizens to fly the American flag for the duration of that week. The flag should also be displayed on all Government buildings. Some organizations hold parades and events in celebration of our national flag and everything it represents. It’s also a time to remember and honor military men and women who defend our flag and our country.

The National Flag Day Foundation holds an annual observance for Flag Day on the second Sunday in June. The program includes a ceremonial raising of the flag, recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance, singing of the National Anthem, a parade and more. The ceremony will take place on June 10, 2007, in Waubeka, WI, the birthplace of Flag Day (according to Cigrand).

http://www.united-states-flag.com/flag-day-history.html


Oh, and Happy birthday, Mom!!! :D

*dies laughing*

I found this a while ago and had to post! It's hilarious!!! Enjoy!

Twilight in less than 500 pages

Scene 1

BELLA: I'm sad to leave the horrible, uninhabitable wasteland of Phoenix to live in a rain-soaked town full of country people that do not understand my city ways. I wish everything about my comfortable and privileged life were completely different!
DAD: Hi, Bella! Welcome to Forks, Washington. I'm glad you've stopped playing mother to your own flighty, irresponsible mom and come here to be my mother instead.
BELLA: It will be my pleasure to cook and clean for you.
DAD: I bought you an old truck from an Indian in a wheelchair!
BELLA: I .... have no response for that.

*******

Scene 2

BELLA: It's tough being the new kid in school! Especially when everyone is so friendly and helpful and interested in me. Why can't they just leave me alone so I can sit in the corner and be left alone to pout?
CLASSMATE: You're awesome Bella!
BELLA: See what I have to put up with? Hey-- who are those hot people over there?
CLASSMATE: Those are the Cullens. They avoid direct sunlight, they don't eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they're Canadians.
BELLA: They sure are spectacularly gorgeous.
CLASSMATE: Yes, they are.
BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I mean, LOOK AT HIM! If you don't mind, I'd like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages.
CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out.

******

Scene 3

EDWARD: Hi, I'm Edward. I'm every girl's fantasy boyfriend: moody, humorless, violent, capable of snapping your spine with my bare hands, liable to do creepy things like watch you while you're sleeping, but also really cute.
BELLA: There is something strange about you.
EDWARD: (recoils at her garlic breath) I don't know what you mean.
BELLA: I just can't put my finger in what it is.
EDWARD: (lifts automobile with one hand) You're imagining things.
BELLA: I feel like you're hiding something from me.
EDWARD: (grabs passing rabbit with lightning speed; drinks rabbit's blood) Don't be silly!
BELLA: It's like you're different somehow.
EDWARD: (turns into a bat, flies away)
BELLA: Hmmm. I bet he's foreign.

******

Scene 4

JACOB: You should be careful with those Cullens. Many moons ago, our tribe's elders, who were werewolves, made a pact with the Cullens, who are vampires. They're not allowed on our land, not even at our casinos.
BELLA: What, still? Even after all this time has passed?
JACOB: Nope
BELLA: Since when do white people honor treaties with Indians?
JACOB: I know, right?
BELLA: Let me guess-- you're a character whose only job is to provide exposition, and you won't be useful until the next book.
JACOB: Yes. At the earliest.

******

Scene 5

BELLA: Thanks for saving me from that mob of guys who attacked me in the street! It's a good thing you obsessively stalk me while simultaneously insisting you want nothing to do with me.
EDWARD: No problem. If anyone's going to tear you limb from limb and gorge themselves on your sweet, delicious, life-giving blood, it's going to be me.
BELLA: Aw, you say the nicest things! I'm pretty sure you're a vampire, that I'm in love with you and that part of you wants to kill me.
EDWARD: Don't be silly. It's not just part of me.
BELLA: HA HA HA!! You're so funny!

******

Scene 6

EDWARD: You know what vampires love? Baseball!
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: Sure! Haven't you ever heard of vampire bats?

>crickets<

EDWARD: Anyhoo, these are the vampire friends I live with, the Cullens. They've been very eager to eat you.
BELLA: You mean meet me?
EDWARD: Meet you. What did I say?
ALICE: I'm Alice! I can see the future, but only when it's useful to the plot. For example, right now: Look out for those mean vampires barging in from the forest!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell the blood of a human!
EDWARD: Stay away from her! Bella, you'd better go. I don't want you to have to see me fight this guy for your honor, our muscles straining as we grapple, the air thick with testosterone and the sounds of our throaty snarling.
BELLA: Right! I wouldn't want to see that! Especially not if your shirts got torn off!

******

Scene 7

MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: You puny humans are so predictable and weak. Now I've got you alone, free to toy with you and torture you and deliver lengthy explanatory monologues to you! I just hope I don't waste so much time that when I finally do decide to kill you it's too late because Edward and the Cullens have arrived to save you!
BELLA: That would certainly be an unusual twist!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Never mind! At last it is time for me to--
EDWARD: Not so fast, Count Jerkula!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Edward! And the Cullens! Who could have forseen your perfectly timed arrival?!
ALICE: I could have! Didn't, but could have!

(Fighting ensues. MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES is vanquished.)

EDWARD: Bella! Are you OK? He bit you! I've got to suck out the vampire poison!
BELLA: Edward, you don't have to make up excuses to suck my blood. I mean honestly, who ever heard of "vampire poison"?
EDWARD: I'm serious! It's coursing through your veins as we speak!
BELLA: Uh-huh, whatever you say.

******

Scene 8

BELLA: Why did you bring me to the prom, Edward? You know I can't dance, and that I hate it when people tell me I'm beautiful, which happens all the time.
EDWARD: I don't want your dangerous psychological infatuation with a vampire to interfere with your regular life.
BELLA: But I want to BE a vampire! I want you to do it to me.
EDWARD: You're sure you want to be a vampire?
BELLA: Yes.
EDWARD: Well, how about if I press my lips against your throat in an ambiguous way, just enough to ensure that readers come back for the sequel?
BELLA: It's a deal

(Fade to black; roll credits; send in ushers to mop up the audience's tears and drool.)

What is it about his voice that just makes you feel so much better?

I've been feeling not quite myself the past few days. But I listen to Josh and it seems like everything is better, even if it's just for a moment. But I especially listen to these 2 songs.

SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile
And maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

You are Loved (Don't Give Up)

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy I
I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you I
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up

Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside I
I'll be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you

Everybody needs to be loved
Don't give up

Because...you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up
Everyone needs to be loved

You are loved

July 15, come now!!!!! *begs*

You know when you past the point of exhaustion and nothing seems to matter anymore? That's been me the past couple months. Not just with the baby, oh no, the baby is a piece of cake. It's with the child that I like to call "The Demon." aka-Porter. He's going thru some sort of stage. I don't know how long it will last, but I want it to end like 2 months ago! It's not a matter of sibling rivalry, he doesn't even notice Luke half the time. He's always acting out. And not that of a normal child or what he used to do. like 100 times worse! Right now he's in the living with the oscelating fan, and he's turning it on and off and twisting the fan around and it's clicking really bad, I keep hearing things in there, like he's putting a blanket or something thru one of the holes and letting the blades hit it and make a noise. I haven't gone to stop him, because well, quite frankly, I know that it won't help. As long as the fan is in there, it's going to get abused. But it's too hot to take it out. We decided not to put our a/c unit in the window this year, for that reason alone.
I don't mind that he's becoming more independant, like wanting to make his own sandwiches or making his own toast, but that's where I draw the line at the moment. I don't care if he opens the fridge and grabs the package of hot dogs, just as long as he actually eats them and doesn't spread them all out over the floor or hide them so then the room begins to stink.
This morning he told me that he was going to brush his teeth. Okay, great! He doesn't brush enough. 10 minutes later, I checked up on him to get his toothbrush and he was sucking on his toothpaste tube. I just bought it this weekend and the toddler training toothpaste is not cheap! Luckily, it won't hurt him.
It's just the things that he knows he's not supposed to do that he does anyways. Now he's swinging in the baby swing. Again. Or dumping his toys out the second I get the floor vacuumed. Or shoving things into the DVD player. Yeah, I went to put things in the dryer and came up to copy a cd from my laptop and the drive won't open. After taking the cover flappy thing off, I discover there's a dvd in there. And of course, it's not one of mine. It was one that I borrowed from my sister. I can't get it out for the life of me, without taking the whole entire computer apart.
Discipline? He doesn't seem to understand that concept. Spankings, time out, loss of priviledges... none of that phases him at all. 5 minutes later, he's back to doing whatever it was that he was doing before he got in trouble.
And he's become rude! He's like a snobby kid!! He told Seth to shut up like 5 times this morning, even after timeout and daddy spankings. He likes to yell "no" or "go away mom," or "don't tell me stop."
Everyone that I've talked to and the stuff that I've researched online have all said the same things: make sure he's getting enough sleep, a good diet, and enough activity. He gets all of that! Even going outside is a nightmare. He's always eating and when he doesn't take a nap, he sleeps for like 12 hours. I'm trying to get him back on his schedule now that Luke is on one, but that's harder than pulling teeth.
Seth told me that maybe the reason why he doesn't listen to me is because I look like a kid and most kids don't listen to other kids. *shrug* I don't know. It'll just be really nice to go on that vacation in July for 5 days. No worries and no kids. A much needed break.
I realize that I have responiblities at home. Like, keeping the house clean, making dinner, doing laundry on top of watching the kids, but it's almost impossible to do anything. I'm constantly chasing Porter around. I'm lucky if I get a load of clothes in the washer/dryer and a load of dishes in the dishwasher. That's a good day.
I'm just so frazzled and everyone says it'll pass. Well, they obviously don't have my temperment.

11.20.09

O.M.G. I am soooo flippin' excited for New Moon!!!!

(wolf pack)

Oh and uh... did I mention that Robward will be shirtless? I didn't? Shame on me. :p

And hello Taylor! Wow. No way does he look 17!

People are always wondering why I am the way that I am. Why not? I guess you could say that I have had an 'interesting' life, if trials and dissappointment are 'interesting.' I always get really sentimental this time of year. One of the reasons why I really hate May. Yes, it's a beautiful month and the weather is starting to warm up, but there's just too many thoughts, memories, that are still very... what's the word? um... well, personal I guess, tho that doesn't really cover it. It was around this time that I have had many heartbreaks.

The first was my senior year of high school- May 2003. I had been dating a dear, sweet guy for 2 years. His name- Adam Jones. Captain Adam Jones in the United States Marine Corps. I was completely smitten. Head over heels for this guy. We were waiting for me to graduate from high school before making any immediate plans for the future. He wasn't much older than I was- about 4 years, and I knew, deep down, that he was the one that I was supposed to be with. He had been with me through thick and thin. All of the trials and turmoils that life would bring he was there. My rock.
Shortly after we had first met, maybe 3 or 4 months, he got deployed to Iraq. This was just before Christmas of 2001- just after the September 11 attacks. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. Leaving him at the airport, not knowing if I was ever going to see him again. He was a Doctor, a Medic, for the Corps, so I didn't know and I prayed that he wouldn't be right at the front lines of fire. I prayed everyday for his safety and for his health. For him to return home soon. We were still able to communicate by e-mail, but it wasn't nearly as much as I had wanted to. Just sporattic times when he would have a minute to sit down. Which I understood. As long as he was safe, that was all I cared about.
His best friend, Luke, was like a brother to me and also was in the military, the Army, got deployed soon after the new year. Now I had 2 people to worry about. To pray that nothing happened to either one.
I got an e-mail around June 2002, that Luke was in Germany. He had been shot and flown to the best German military hospital. They weren't sure if he was going to make it.
I had been so worried about Luke and Adam and now this had happened. I turned to my two best friends in the world- Johanna and Cody to help me through all of this. Johanna had known Luke a lot longer than I had so she was in a tougher situation than I was.
Then, that next month, Luke was sent home. Alive. Healthy. Jo and I were overjoyed. August 2002, right before school started, Adam came home. There are no words to express my emotions at that time. He told me stories of what was going on and what he was dealing with on a daily basis. How close bombs would come to the Medic stations, how much gunfire he had to avoid in order to find the wounded and get them to safety. But then, the unthinkable happened. He was only on leave. He had to return 6 weeks later. My heart sank once again, but I knew that everything would be fine. He would be fine. He would come home, I would graduate and we would live happily ever after in some small Iowa town.
That's where I was wrong. He was scheduled to come home in May of 2003, just in time to see me graduate. I had been counting down the days, down to the exact hour, of his return. May 20. That was the day. The day came and went and no word from Adam. I had talked to him the night before and he had told me that he was leaving and on his way home. Nothing. May 21. Nothing. May 24, the day before my high school days were officially over, I get a call. It was Adam's mom. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. I could feel it. I didn't have the courage to say anything. I just listened. She broke into tears, but not tears of joy. "Adam's gone." She had said. "His plane, shot down over Iraq shortly after take off. No survivors." I was numb. I couldn't move. Couldn't speak. It couldn't be true. This was a horrible dream. He would be there tomorrow, I just knew it. I put on my happy face and graduated with my best friend Cody right behind me. It was supposed to be a happy time. My family had flown out to see me. My mom was anxious to meet Adam. Meet the one that swept me off my feet. He wasn't there. His funeral- held a mere week later. I had asked him once jokingly, what song he wanted to be played when he died. And he said, "Something with meaning." When I asked him to specify, I laughed at his decision. He had been a Groban fan from the very beginning, a bit longer than I had known who Josh even was. I had heard his debut cd and listened to it a bit more since I knew that Adam loved it. He said, "To where you are by Josh Groban." Walking into the church, I heard that music playing. I couldn't even make it into the room. Johanna and Luke were both there, but I just couldn't. I left, went home, packed my bags and moved back out to Utah to begin a new life. Which I did. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
So Adam, this is for you. It's been almost 6 years, but he was my best friend and I still miss him dearly.






Okay, yes I know that was a bit morbid, seeing as how I'm married and all, but there is yet another reason for me to really despise May. It was around this time 3 years ago. Porter was 5 weeks old. I remember this very vividly. I had put him in his swing and had been picking up toys and listening to music on iTunes, when my cell phone rang. It was about 8:30 in the evening. I had been getting a lot of telemarketer calls and this was an unrecognized number, but I answered it anyway thinking that if I told them off, they would stop calling me. The person on the other line just happened to be my old social worker. Karen Sherrill. I hadn't heard from her in about 13 or so years and then just out of the blue she called. That right there got me worried. That's when I knew that something was wrong. She started with some small talk saying that she called Salt Lake City and got my my number from my adoptive mom, Kathleen. Then she said it. "Your mother has pneumonia and isn't expected to live through the night."

My parents- Robert and Patricia Lawrence. They weren't your typical ordinary parents. My mom was born with many diseases- epilepsy and lupus to name a couple. She was even mildly retarded, but she was still able to function in public. She could tend for herself for the most part, but she went through a lot of crap growing up. Step parents, abuse, step siblings, incest. You name it, most likely she lived it. Her siblings teased her and made fun of her, took advantage of her because she was different. She met my dad and they fell in love. Love at first sight. Yes, I know that sounds corny, but it's true. They got married and shortly after, had my older sister Marlene. She died at the age of 4 weeks old due to prematurity. My mom smoked a lot and because of her health problems, the doc told her that she needed to be more careful if she were to ever have any more kids. Then I came along. I almost didn't make it, but they were able to save me. 6 months later, I was able to come home. Sometime during the time that I was born and the 4 years later that my sister was born, my dad found out that he was dying. Leukemia and emphazema, and it was growing fast. He didn't have much time. He could have gone through the treatments and been fine, but instead, he stayed home to nurse my mom, who was very ill. So, I was the mom basically. We had no money. We lived on wellfare and in a hotel. We were lucky if we got a full 3 meals a day. With both of my parents basically dying in the same room as I was in, I had to take care of myself, Vanessa and my parents at the ripe old age of 5. But I loved it. Vanessa called me mommy. I loved being able to take care of her and keep the house clean. I was actually excited when I was able to make mac and cheese and then do the dishes afterwards.
My dad passed in Feb of 1991- age 49. Because of my mom's illnesses, we got taken away from her and we moved in with the only other normal sibling that she had. My aunt Nicole.
Long story short, when I was 8, I was adopted and I moved from Washington to Utah. I kept in touch with Patty, as I was instructed to call her. She was 'no longer my mother.' I grew up thinking that my parents hated my sister and me and that we were abused severly. We weren't allowed to have any kind of visitation, even though Kathleen could afford to fly Patty out to see us. Summer of 1995 we flew to Spokane to sign papers and finalize the adoption and that was the last time I ever saw Patty again. I wrote to her occasionally, usually at holidays, but I was basically terrified of her. Vanessa had no memory of her, so she didn't want anything to do with her. Completely understandable. The years went on and the writing became less and less. Non existant during my 2 year period in Iowa. It wasn't until I got married and we sent her a wedding invitation, that I fully realized how important it was to me that I stay in touch with her. So, it became a more diligent activity that I did. I remember that I had sent her a baby announcement after Porter was born in April and I hadn't receieved anything back. She usually wrote the second she got my letter and I got it usually the next week.
I figured it got lost in the mail. Didn't really think much of it. Until that call. Seth immediately got off of work, we went and picked up Vanessa, dropped Porter off at a relative's house and made the 1800 mile road trip to Spokane Washington, not knowing what we would expect.
My grandmother called my cell phone in Cour d'laine, Idaho about 10 or so miles outside of Spokane. We told her where we were and she said that she expected us in about 15 minutes. She told me that Patty was looking a lot better, but that she still wasn't able to talk much, but that she wanted to hear my voice. As awkward as it was, she was put on the phone and I started talking. "Mom, it's me. Janie. Ruthie is with me too. So is your son in law Seth. We're coming Mom. We're almost there. I've missed you so much and I'm sorry for not being there. I love you Mom. I'll see you soon." I hung up the phone and something felt different, but I couldn't figure out what. We soon arrived at the place where she lived- an adult group home. All of the family members came outside and then I saw my grandma. With tears in her eyes, she gave the three of us a hug and said over and over. "She's gone. She's gone. She was waiting for you. To hear you. The second you said that you loved her, she went." Just the thought that she was holding out for us. We were so close. She just wanted to hear me. She didn't have a chance to even see her youngest daughter all grown up. 16 years old. And her recent son in law. I will never forget what I saw when I walked into her room to pay my last regards. The vision will haunt my memories forever.
This wasn't my mom. This was some sick lady. Someone who had been tormented and tortured her whole life. Someone who looked deathly ill. Almost like a skeleton. This wasn't the beautiful lady that I remember. The one who would tell me jokes and let me put on her clothes and perfume. No, there had to be a mistake.
But then, I knew. I felt it. She was in a better place. She was in heaven with her husband and her daughter. She was home and she was happy. And for once in her 45 years of life, she wasn't in pain. Nobody was judging her. I felt truly at peace.
So now, every year on Christmas Eve, not only do I think about the meaning of Christmas, I take time to remember my dear sweet mother's birthday and I listen to her favorite singing artist- Mariah Carey.
Mom, I miss you and love you and I know that you are happy. I know that you truly are watching over us and can watch us grow. Watch your grandchildren grow. I really wish that I had more time to get to know you better. Mom, this is for you.

Poetry by Vanessa pt.2

These next ones she wrote just to vent.

VOICE

By Vanessa Marrott

Everyone's voice is heard

but why is mine so quiet?

Will I get lost in the crowd?

Become another face you'll forget?

Will I spend my life wondering

or living my dreams?

Will I be cared for

or left in the dust?

Will you notice in the crowd that I'm the only one here?

Will I be alone till death

or will someone warm my heart?

Will I or will I not be loved?

****

She sits in her room and daydreams of love

when life is just peachy.

She sits in her room with her music filling the empty space

hoping that noone hears her tears fall.

She sits in her room and thinks of him

wondering if he thinks of her too.

She questions her life and wonders was it worth it

and if her feelings are true.

She remembers the times when it all seemed too easy

and life was one big game.

For the music she blasts sends a beat to her heart

helping her to forget the pain and worries.

The star shines with a light so unreal.

Her world, turned upside down,

she seemed to gaze into a world unknown.

A feeling of numbness and love took her sould.

She was living in a reality unlike her own.

The joy and craziness made her head spin.

Her thoughts were jumbled

her heart beat with excitement.

Her hopes high

head somewhat strong.

She was confused by the feelings inside.

Would it stay true?

Or would it just fade and die?

How would she express it?

She hoped she wouldn't wake up.

****

Breathing in the winter air,

the sharp coldness steals her breath,

stabbing her lungs.

Inside, her heart slows

barely beating.

Her mind drifts to her lost love.

The pain exceeds her.

Cold inhales reminding her of what she once had.

The dream she wished she could keep,

waking to find a night mare come true.

A tear rolled down her cheek

with an empty warmth that burned her frosted skin.

She sat among the graves

burying the memories.

Allowing the emptiness to take over.

Showing no hope for spring.

*****

I wish you away from me.

Say it's not so.

I'm stuck and cant run away from this life I'm in.

How did I find someone like you?

My life is an R rated movie.

Shit happens.

Get over it.

Life isn't worth it so go shoot yourself.

Bye baby bye.

Can't do this anymore.

What kind of person would you be

it this is what you see?

Some things are better left unsaid.

Some books are better left unread.

Why do you do this to me?

Torture, confuse and mess with me.

I can't handle it no more.

I am so lost.

Baby I will soon be leaving.

I promise I will always love you the same.

I wanna hold you baby and miss you baby.

Don't give up what you're waiting for.

You kiss me and I'm miserable.

Why?

It shouldn't be like this.

Tell me.

Do we belong together?

This next one is the very first poem that she ever wrote and I made her give me a copy. She wrote it in study hall I think, her sophomore year of high school.

WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

By Vanessa Marie Becker

So there's this guy

He's kinda shy

But it someways

He is not.

He speaks his mind

and his thoughts.

He wonders

"Am I the one?"

He asks himself.

But instead of saying yes

he turns into self doubt.

So he takes his fist

and smashes a door.

But then his girl

is screaming in his mind

"Don't hurt yourself.

I love you."

He know it's true

But she's with someone else.

You see him and her together in the school

and you wonder.

You ask around.

They say "no" and so then you ask yourself

'Why?'

You go up to her and ask

"Are you and him a thing?"

She says,

"well, kinda.

He likes me and I like him

But I'm with someone else."

She soon finds out this guy she likes

is not really perfect.

He has this fear of losing her

like he lost his other.

He calls her late at night and they talk forever.

He tells her his darkest secrets.

She sits there and just listens.

"I love you," he says.

But she doesn't hear it.

She's too scared to admit she's in love with two different people.

He liked for two years.

I don't know why.

She smokes.

She drinks.

She is not very good.

She soon finds out that he is not good either.

She's changing for this guy she loves.

She's so damn confused.

She doesn't sleep, eat or drink.

All she does is wonder about what will happen later.

So then one night he calls her.

Mom answers crying.

"She is dead."

The line goes quiet.

He says softy, "How?"

"She put a bullet to her head.

She left a note behind saying

'I love you with all my heart.

I'm sorry I had a boyfriend and still loved you.

Goodbye forever.'"

He crys and hangs up the phone.

"Where did I go wrong?

I told her I loved her.

Teased her.

Held her.

What more does she want?"

I'll tell you.

She wanted you to be her one and she didn't want to break one more heart.

So she committed suicide.

So now he learns and whispers,

"I love you more."

This is her most recent one. Written April 28, 2009. From a phone call that she received from an ex. I personally think it's the best one that I've read.

UNKNOWN

By Vanessa Marrott

The light from the street shines softly upon your face.

One side is light and I can see every wrinkle and line that dances on your face.

The other side is dark and mysterious.

What are you hiding?

You came into my life.

I loved you for so long.

Then it ended abruptly.

You ran away.

Cheated.

Lied.

I trusted you.

The damage is done.

How could you do this to me?

You think you're so macho.

So special.

You're wrong.

You're nothing but a fake.

A schmuk.

You're gorgeous as hell and that's my weakness.

Your eyes the brilliant blue.

Your smile so perfectly adorable.

Your voice that is so amazingly sexy you can lure in any girl just by talking.

You know what to say to make me weak at the knees.

Your hair

How you just toss it around on that gorgeous head of yours.

Your washboard stomach that I love and just want to lick your abs

and feel them under my fingers.

Oh, I just want you to hold me and take me in your arms

the way you used to.

How I miss those lies that made me feel so special,

like we were going to be forever.

I miss those days when we would laugh and joke

even though as I think about it,

Were you even there?

Do you remember?

I know you remember the sexual,

but do you remember our talks

our discussions on random stuff?

I love your laugh.

It makes me smile.

I remember when I first me you.

I was smitten.

Lost.

Unsure.

You were gorgeous and still are.

And yet you seem to come crawling back into my lifef.

How do you find me when I'm hiding as best as I can

and as far away from you as possible.

Yet, in reality,

I'm glad you came even thought you ruined my life.

My heart.

My mind.

My sould.

My thoughts.

My very existance.

But I still love you even thought you hurt me.

Scarred me.

Ruined me.

Here you are standing close enought for me to feel your breath creep into my pores

as your poision crawls into my brain.

I feel your warmth seep into my soul.

I'm stuck.

Can't move.

You move close enough to slightly graze my cheek with your finger.

I can feel the electricity.

Feel the blood pumping through your veins.

I can't.

I won't.

I have to.

I touch your face.

It feels like silk against my skin.

Oh how I missed you.

I need you.

I want to feel every inch of you.

Inspect it like you'd inspect for lice.

Carefully.

Throughly.

Postively.

I'd search your heart.

Your mind.

Wondering if I was in your thoughts.

Your mind.

How do you do that?

I curse you.

Your very existance.

You should be dead already.

But here you are

standing in front of me.

Why do you keep coming back?

Are you for real or a hallucination?

I can see you.

Touch you.

Read you.

You're absolute.

So possessive.

So tragic.

What's happening to me?

Why do I feel this way?

I shouldn't.

You left me.

I should hate you.

Dispise you.

Loathe you.

But I don't.

I want you.

Crave you.

You're like a cigarette.

I can't get enough.

I'm addicted to everything about you.

You're like whiskey,

you burn like fire.

Yet I love the feeling.

The hairs stick up on the back of my neck

as the wind blows past us.

I smell you.

You're incredible.

Toxic.

But I want to drink it all in.

Soak it up like a sponge.

You make me weird.

Numb.

Unthinkable.

I can't breathe.

Speak.

The world stops and we stare at eachother for what seems like years.

I want to run my hands through your hair.

Pull it.

Rip it.

Tear it all out so it can be mine.

I want revenge.

Passion.

Fire.

I want to feel your blood as you bleed out in my hands.

To kiss you would be heaven.

Hell.

And what's inbetween.

I want to kiss you.

Feel you.

Rub you.

Have you inside me one last time before I kill you.

Get rid of you.

Burn you

And lose you forever.

Poetry by Vanessa Pt. 1

So I was over at my sister's house and we began chatting and she showed me a recent poem that she wrote from a phone call that she received. Her writing is amazing and so I thought I would share some of her poetry on here. (Yes I did get permission. :p)

This first two are about her mother in law. LOL. (If you knew her, you would understand)

BROKEN

By Vanessa Marrott

Why should I care

if noone cares about me?

Why should I speak out loud

if everyone talks behind me?

Why should I love

if everone gets mad?

Why should I try

if everyone avoids me?

Why should I be happy

when I feel so upset?

What should I be

if I can't be me?

Why should I play

if I'm broken?

Broken inside

how will you mend me?

When all my pieces

are shattered inside me?

I seem fine

but am I really?

I tell people I am good when they ask

but I wish they could just know.

I'M FALLING APART!

I need some serious mendind.

Just do me a favor

and stop talking about me.

OVER

By Vanessa Marrott

How can you forget the past

when it is staring you in the face?

How can you love

when you've only been taught to hate?

How can you win

when you always lose?

How can you be alone

when someone is bugging you?

I'm tired of trying to please everyone

I can't be two people, I can't please everyone!

Can you understand?

It's not fair that you

say I don't ry.

I can't do it anymore.

I just feel like screaming.

It's what you do that's right

and I do everything wrong.

Well guess what?

I'm done with you.

It's over.

I'm not going to mend this situation.

It's up to you

and when you are not so freaking moody.

Make up your mind once and for all!

This one is an apology to her hubby. It's quite long. And it made me cry.

Don't you wish you coud tell that one guy just how much he means to you?

Or how you feel safe when he holds you?

Or that your first thought when you say goodbye is

when you'll get to see him again?

Don't you wish he would tell you how much he loves you

in front of his friends?

Not caring about what they think

or how they would react?

Or that his smile brightens your entire day

and he knows just how to make you laugh

when you don't ever wanna smile?

Don't you wish you could know his first thought

when he sees you walk through the door?

Or his thoughts anytime?

All you really want is for him to know

is how you really feel.

Or that you love staying up

all the hours of the night

talking about everything and anything.

You just want to tell him you care for him

more than anyone else in the world.

She sits alone in the dead of night

looking up at the darkened sky.

Those shiny specks hold her attention...

distracting her from the empty feeling.

Deep in her eyes a single gleam shone out

showing some sign of hope

that it would all come to an end

and LOVE would conquer all.

It was the day should would always regret.

A time when she stood still and watched the world around her.

She held on to a love she knew she couldn't have for anyone else.

She longed to be in a different world

where nothing like pain, agony or sorrow existed.

She knew that place would never exist.

She thought it would be okay,

but wondered why?

She brought on more pain

as she saw his smile that wasn't directed at her.

She couldn't stand seeing him without her at his side.

Maybe this painful fate was meant to be.

But she would never know without trying.

She would never give up hope.

Never forgetting.

The rose he gave her has faded and wilted

but the love tucked deep inside

remainds deep in her heart forever.

Her heart beat faster,

the butterflies make her weak.

His arms around her.

Her head on his shoulder.

Time seemed to slow down and inched along its way.

She closed her eyes and slipped into another world,

her dreams and love in focus.

And true happiness under spotlight.

The moon held the beauty of the summer's eve

and the glory of absolute joy.

If I told you I loved you,

would you smile or laugh in my face?

If I gave you my heart,

will you care for it or toss it aside?

If I came to you crying

would you hold me or quickly run and hide?

If someone called me names

would you agree or beat the hell outta them?

If I sang to you off key

would you laugh or join in?

If I lay my head on your shoulder

would you push it away or play with my hair?

If I danced in the rain

would you join me or go inside?

If I made a complete fool of myself

would you proudly claim me as yours or tell people you didn't know me?

If I made a mistake

would you forgive me or hold a grudge?

If another guy tried to take me

would you put up a fight or step aside and let them?

If I looked or acted sad

would you ask what's wrong or go on with your day?

If I was in the hospital

would you be by my side or not even care?

If another girl gave her your attention

would you flirt and leave me or stay beside me forever?

If I was depressed

would you hold me throught the night saying it would be okay

or would you walk out the door and never look back?

Would be be my everything?

My life?

My love?

A soft simple whisper echoed in her heart.

The melody played as a grey clouded sky enclosed the warmth of her soul,

allowing his love to flow free.

His arms wrapped around her sending chills down her spine.

The crows flew in the air as the tune grew more light.

The drops of rain fell softly splattering the ground around them.

The smells filled her lungs,

helping her truly feel at ease.

Butterflies go to those who love with the heart

so I will send you a few to keep you company.

Just look to the shooting stars.

If I could say exactly what I wanted to your face I would say this.

I am in love with you.

You don't see my heart break

yet it still makes me love you with all the pieces of it.

You're the one I thoink of last at night

and the first in the morning.

You're my favorite hello

and my hardest goodbye.

I can't just leave behind what we have.

It's unfair to our hearts.

We both know it.

I want you to remember me

and let me be the only one.

Promise it wasn't or isn't a game

that all of your love is real.

I know you still want it

despite what your friends say about me.

I believe we are meant to be.

You're the one who took hold of my heart

and made me feel life and what it really is.

You made me who I am today.

I hope you remember me always

even if we end up going our seperate ways.

This is my proclamation to the world

that I love you.

I always have and always will.

You will always have a hold of my heart.

I hope you'll always love me if it all ends up destroyed.

Just know you'll always have mine.

Updates

Sorry it's been a while, but things have just been so crazy! Seth got moved back to graveyard shift so that is really causing a lot of changes. It's not that I mind because he was on graves for like 2 years before, but it's just hard for me. I didn't realize how much I got used to just having him there at night. I discovered how hard it was for me to sleep along. Amazing what happens when you get used to something and then it changes.

Luke, Porter, Seth and I are all doing a ton better! Actually, we are better. LOL. And in case anyone was wondering, yes Vanessa and I patched things up. I'm not one to hold grudges, so I got over it when Luke got better.

But all I can say was that 3 days that I was at the hospital with Luke were some of the hardest days that I have had. He had a really hard time breathing and wasn't eating nearly as much as usual. He usually eats 6 oz every feeding, but he was only eating 1 or 2. He was so stuffy and the respiratory therapist had to come in and put a big tube down his nose to suck out all the boogers. They did this about 3 times a day. He would scream and it was almost too much for me to watch. He was so pale, it was so sad.

Today is Seth's birthday! We didn't really do much. We went up to Seth's parents house and had dinner and cake and ice cream. My mom took me shopping for my birthday since it's tomorrow (Sunday). We went to Kohls, the new one in Orem across from University mall and right next to Gold's Gym. We found a lot of cute stuff! I haven't been shopping in forever!!

I have Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" stuck in my head and it's driving me crazy! Yes I know that was random, but you know me. That's how I roll. LOL.

I have no words...

Ugh. I'm sitting here in the pediatric wing of Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. Again. But this time, it's for Luke. My dear, lovely sister, gave him RSV. Yep, the #1 leading cause of death in infants. I don't think you can fully grasp at how pissed, that doesn't seem like the right word... FURIOUS! I am with my her! GUH! I mean, seriously! Your kid has been sick with a high temp, cough, and stuffy nose and you and your hubby are feeling crappy and you decide, "Oh lets go to a birthday party!" YOU DON'T DO THAT WITH A NEW BABY IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!! It's just common sense to not go over to someone's house when you're sick. Or let people come over cuz of the germs.

So, Luke and Porter were both deathly ill on Monday, so I took them in to see the doc. He said that it was walking pneumonia and gave them antibiotics. I had been in the ER the day before because I was having trouble breathing and I got diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection and was given tylenol with codeine to help the sinus headache, sore throat and ear aches. I googled it and found out that it's the adult form of RSV. So I googled RSV and researched it a bit.

I wasn't concerned because Porter had it when he was like 9 months old and he was alright. All we did was keep a humidifier in the room and then we would turn on the shower to hot and close the door and make it into a steam room for about 30 minutes. And then at night or if it's cold, take them outside because the cold air opens the airways too.

But the kids were on antibiotics for something else, so I didn't think anything of it. Porter got better after a day of taking his azithromicin. Lukey was on amoxiccillan and he wasn't getting any better. I just figured it was cuz he was on a lower dose of meds because of his size. Makes sense. But today was different. I put him in the bathroom for the steam and when we came out, I noticed that his lips were blue and his hands where ghostly pale. I just figured it was due to the sudden change in atmosphere. Again, makes sense. So a couple hours later, I was looking at his hands again to see if they were just white because they were cold, but they weren't cold at all. So I called my trusty "nurse" friend, Kim (not really a nurse, but helps me out with anything kid related) and asked her if it was normal for new babies to have really white hands and I just hadn't noticed it before. She asked me about his lips and I told her they had a slight blue tint, but nothing very bad. Then I said that in the bathroom his lips were blue. She asked me if he was in the tub cuz that can cause blue lips, and I said no, that it was extremely hot and humid in there. The second she heard that, she yelled, "GO TO THE HOSPITAL! GET THE FUCK OFF THE PHONE AND GO! NOW!" Then sweetly said,"Keep me posted" and hung up the phone.

So I loaded him up and off we went to the ER. They checked his oxygen saturation and it was at 87%. Not good. They put him on oxygen while they did some other tests and stuff. He got a chest x-ray to see if the pneumonia had cleared and they listened to him breathing and checked him out physically. You could see that he was straining to breath. Then they sucked out all of his boogers and ran an RSV test. It was possitive. I seriously begged the ER doc to just let us go home since it wasn't a serious case of it. He laughed and said, "no. your son can't breathe. You are getting admitted."

So, here I am, sitting across from my small 2.5 month old baby who is hooked to an oxygen nose tubey thing. Until you have kids, you don't really know the feeling of watching that. There's just no way to describe it. I say everyday that I would gladly be bedridden sick for a couple days than to see my kids sick. Porter stayed in bed for 3 days! He didn't get out once. You know he's sick when he does that. Wow. I've never seen that before. Ever. But seriously, every time that Lukey coughs, my heart breaks a little more. His eyes are all puffy and red from the lack of sleep and from his eyes watering so much. His nose is sore from the nurses sucking all the boogers out and he moans like he can't figure out what is going on with him. It's so sad!

But, the thing that REALLY pissed me off, was when I called Vanessa. I told her that the kids had RSV and that Lukey was in the hospital because of her. I also told her that she got Libby and her 4 year old Cameron, sick and that her 2.5 month old daughter was getting a runny nose. And I said that my mom was starting to get a sore throat (which is how mine started. I prayed it was strep because then they kids couldn't get it.) And you know what she said?! Oh, this really REALLY... she's lucky she's still alive... she says all sweetly, "Love you!" and hung up the phone. She didn't give a shit! She didn't say she was sorry or that she felt bad or that she messed up, that I would have handled cuz it's Vanessa. I expect her to not think. But for her not to CARE?! That just... there are no words... she's lucky I didn't go over to her house and kill her. Libby thinks that Vanessa should pay for all the medical bills because it was their fault that they got all of us sick. I don't want Kevin coming after us tho. Ugh, the fucking bitch didn't care! That just baffles my mind. I just... GUH! Had I known they were sick, I wouldn't have let them come into my house. And the fact that they were all playing with Luke and Porter the whole party and THEN telling me they were all sick as they were leaving. They wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't noticed Thomas being so mellow.

I better stop before I do some serious damage to the computer or something.

Rambling...joy

First off, I want to apologize, again, for not updating sooner. I know this sounds redundant, but seriously I forget to update this one and I don't want to make it seem like I write the same things. I guess this one is a bit more personal. The other one on LiveJournal seems to just be me bitching about stuff. LOL. But I guess some people enjoy reading that... anyways...

Luke is now almost 8 weeks old! How insane is that? He's getting so big! Last time we went to the doc he was over 11 pounds and he was almost 23 inches long. That was maybe 2 or so weeks ago. He's smiling now and "talks". It's so cute!

Porter loves being a big brother. I was really scared to see how he would react with the new baby, but he absolutely loves it. He likes to help out a lot too, which can be a good thing.

Speaking of Porter, he's going to be 3 on Saturday! Wow! Where does the time go? Seriously? We're having a party on Saturday, but it's supposed to rain. :( Let's just pray it doesn't because I can't fit 30+ people in my house. We tried to fit about 20 for his 1st birthday and it was soooo cramped.

My sister in law Julie is having a baby shower next weekend. I'm so excited! She's having a boy in the middle of May. That makes a lot of May birthdays especially since my other sister in law Maria in Texas is having a girl in May too. Actually, Julie and Maria are due the same day. :) So that would make me, Seth, Bub, the 2 babies, Grant (I think) and someone else, that all have birthdays in May. Of course, I've gotten used to having a party for the 3 of us since Seth and Bub's are on the 2nd and mine's the 3rd. It's really funny to sing happy birthday to the 3 of us at the same time and then the 3 of us blowing out the candles. LOL. It's also a HUGE cake and then each of our fave ice creams.

5 weeks to go!!!

Hmm... I really need to do better with this blog, don't I? My many apologies. I'm usually posting on LiveJournal and Blogger just kinda got left out. :( So much stuff has been going on lately, that honestly I don't know where to start.


My bestie Libby, is having her baby shower on Saturday. Yay!! And I got an invite to another friend's shower the next Saturday. So many babies!!! I found out that my 2 sister in laws are both having boys and they are both due on the same day- May 12 I think it was. How crazy is that? Julie is having a boy and Maria is having a girl-- another one. Grrr... I'm happy for her, but I really wanted a girl. I guess I could say, maybe next time, but at the rate this pregnancy is going, who knows if there WILL be another time. LOL.


But on the good side, I haven't been in the hospital for a month. Yay! Doc said today that everything is looking good. To stay on bedrest for at least another 2 weeks and then we'll see how it goes from there. He at least wants me to make it to 36 weeks (2 weeks away) cuz after that, if the baby decides to come early, he won't have nearly as many problems and only have a day or 2 in the NICU.


As far as names go, I really like the names Hunter and Marshall. Everyone in my family likes Hunter and Libby is even calling him that already. The first time she did, I was like, "uh... who's that?" LOL.